How to Get the Man You Want
by Lee Silverwing
Summary: Um, a piece of insanity written under the spell of caffiene and several fictions that can rot one's mind. Ack. I hate summaries. Just R&R, peeps.


  
How to Get the Man You Want  
OR How to Get Leonhart to Declare His Undying Love to You  
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Disclaimer: Square. Just another author having fun with somebody else's creations...  
A/N: Whilst thinking up the plot of my Queifer fic, "Whipping Seifer Ain't as Easy as Whipping Squall", my brain got messed up by several of the fictions I was reading (and getting ideas from) at the time. So expect something evil. :D  
Warning: YAOI. If it offends you, then go. Or better yet, send flames! I'll do anything for reviews these days. And there's slight character bashing and OOC-ness. Now on with my evilness!  
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Step I: Get His Attention |  
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Seifer paced shirtless outside Squall's dorm room. Rinoa looked through the peephole and turned worriedly to Squall.  
  
"Squall! He's still out there..."  
  
Squall was hiding his head under a pillow.  
  
"Ignore him," came the muffled reply. "He'll give it up sooner or later."  
  
"You sure? He's been at it for hours."  
  
"Yes. So stop looking at him. You're just encouraging him."  
  
Outside, Seifer narrowed his eyes.  
  
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Step II: *Really* Get His Attention |  
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Seifer sat in his makeshift business office, the moldy hut he had "built" (using the term loosely) and dubbed as the "Seifer Love Hut" (otherwise known as the Moldy Old Shack Inside the B-Garden Training Area, the only place safe for late-night cadet escapades ((The Secret Area was full of SeeDs)) at 10 gil an hour), and pondered his dilemma. He needed Squall to pay attention to him. The only way he knew how to do so was to challenge the commander to a duel that would leave them both sweaty and shirtless. Seifer cackled evilly at the thought.  
  
He had asked Fujin and Rai-, well, Fujin as Raijin was in the Infirmary nursing a broken shin bone, for help. At first, Fujin balked at the idea of helping *her* Seifer Almasy woo Leonhart, but then she realized that she would get to spend time alone with Seifer. And he would be very grateful for her help, he said.  
  
  
Seifer: Fuj, to show my gratitude, I'll make passionate love with you.  
  
Fuj: Oh Seifer...  
  
  
Seifer continued to ponder as he waited for his accomplice. He knew that he looked very sexy when he pondered. Fujin had said so. Anyways, Fujin had arrived earlier than she promised and Seifer was happy. She was very good in planning evil schemes.  
  
"I need to challenge Squall. How about 'Leonhart. You killed my cat! Die for your crime!' Wait, I don't have a cat...Say Fuj, does Squall know I don't have cat?"  
  
Fujin frowned and crossed her arms. "Whatever do you see in him, Seifer?"  
  
"I appreciate beauty and strength. And he happened to have both."  
  
"And you're gay."  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you? Don't say gay. Say *special*."  
  
"Right. *Special*."  
  
Seifer smirked and continued (once again) to ponder. An idea struck him.  
  
"I know! I'll kidnap Rinoa!"  
  
"Oh gee, like that'll work."  
  
"It will work! All I need to do is get him here, to the--"  
  
"Moldy Old Shack Inside the B-Garden Training Area, the only place safe for late-night cadet escapades at 10 gil an hour?"   
  
"*Seifer* *Love* *Hut*."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
==========  
  
Rinoa sat idly on a log in the Training Area, occasionally frying a Grat that came too close for comfort while waiting for her Knight. Standing behind a tree, Seifer tied a string around a gil piece and tossed it on the ground in front of her.  
  
She spotted the money. "Ooh."  
  
As she bent to pick it up, Seifer pulled the string. She followed. Seifer continued to do this until Rinoa was standing beside him.  
  
"Oh, hello, Seife--"  
  
Seifer threw a large gunny sack over Rinoa's head and then tossed both her and the sack over his shoulder. There came a muffled scream and struggling from inside the sack. He hit it. The sack went limp.  
  
"Oops."   
  
He was snickering.  
  
==========  
  
As he was leaving, Zell aproached the clearing. He and Seifer glared at each other. Zell noticed the legs dangling out of Seifer's sack.  
  
Seifer smirked as he passed Zell. "Watch out for the T-Rexaurs, Chickenwuss. It's mating season."  
  
"I can take care of myself, bastard," Zell snarled in reply and walked off to look for monsters.  
  
When Squall arrived in the Training Area, he looked around and, seeing Rinoa missing from their meeting place, walked up to Zell.  
  
"Zell, have you seen Rinoa?"  
  
Zell frowned. "I think Seifer had her in a sack over his shoulder."  
  
Squall slapped his forehead and ran off to look for Seifer.  
  
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Back in Seifer's Love Hut, things weren't going so smoothly. Rinoa was loud as she was annoying. Every time she screamed, Fujin would kick her, which only caused her to scream louder.  
  
"I can only take so much of this," she grumbled.  
  
Seifer stood by the window. "He's coming. I can feel it."  
  
"No, you can't!"  
  
"Fujin, don't argue with me."  
  
==========  
  
15 minutes later...  
  
"He's coming."  
  
==========  
  
30 minutes later...  
  
"He's coming..."  
  
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An hour later...  
  
He's co--"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
Suddenly, Seifer spotted a black form in the distance.  
  
"I see him! I knew our bond was strong! Nothing can come between us!"  
  
Fujin rolled her eyes.  
  
Seifer grabbed his gunblade with one hand, and, with the other, opened his shirt and messed up his hair, making himself delightfully rumpled.  
  
Fujin tried not to drool. "Ooh...Well, maybe they'll let me watch."  
  
==========  
  
Outside, Squall studied the run-down shack. "Those kids said this is Seifer's place. Kinda moldy for Seifer, though..."  
  
He poked the shack with the point of his gunblade lightly. The walls wobbled a bit before falling over. Fujin gasped. Seifer stood there in shock. Squall stepped past both, grabbed the bag o' Rinoa, and walked back to the exit.  
  
Seifer blinked. "Wait!" he called. "We're supposed to be sweaty and shirtless!"   
  
Squall didn't stop.  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
Fujin groaned. "I didn't even get to watch..."  
  
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Step III: Eliminate the Opposition |  
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Seifer and Fujin occupied the table across Zell's in the Cafeteria. Clearing his throat loud enough to get Zell's attention, Seifer declared, "Gee, isn't Irvine so strong and manly?"  
  
Zell stopped eating, listenig to their conversation.  
  
Seifer kicked Fujin's leg. "Ow! Uh, I mean, YES, DO IRVINE IN A SECOND."  
  
"It would take a *real* man to get him tamed."  
  
Irvine just happened to be flirting closeby as the two began their conversation. He walked over to their table and grinned at Seifer. "Seifer, babe, I never knew you saw me that way...Wanna go up with me to Squall's office and say those words of yours to everybody? After which we can, you know..."  
  
Fujin stood up and kicked Irvine behind the knee. "SHUT UP, JACKASS."  
  
"Ow, ow, ow, ow..." Irvine hopped to the exit, clutching his leg,.  
  
Zell seemed to be thinking very deeply about something. Suddenly, he stood up and followed Irvine to wherever he was going.  
  
"Score." Seifer grinned.  
  
==========  
  
"Seifer, are you *sure* Rinoa's gonna trip over that?"  
  
Seifer fixed the rope in place. "Trust me, she will."  
  
She did.  
  
"Oh, no," Seifer began. "It appears that--Wait, she's still alive."  
  
"Damn," Fujin said.  
  
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Step IV: Flirt Relentlessly |  
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Seifer sat in his taped-back-together Love Hut, trying to come up with a new idea in which to trap Squall. Fujin sat across him, polishing her shuriken.  
  
"ARGH!! I can't think! Fuj, you come up with something!"  
  
"You should just give up."  
  
"One should never give up on love!"   
  
Her uninjured eye twitched. "I just think that there are better people for you." She coughed. "Me."  
  
"What are you implying?"  
  
"Nevermind," she sighed. "Stalk him."  
  
"Great idea, Fuj!"  
  
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The next day, in the hallways, Seifer stalked Squall. He waited until the suspicious SeeD commander stopped to talk with a cadet before making his move.   
  
"Puberty boy!!!"  
  
After dismissing the cadet, Squall glared up at Seifer. "What do you want?"  
  
"I just wanted to let you know that you look very nice today."  
  
Squall looked confused. "Er, thank you?"  
  
When Seifer just stood there, Squall turned and started to walk away. But when he turned around, Seifer was still standing there.  
  
"Don't you have something important to do?" he asked, beginning to get nervous.  
  
Seifer cleared his throat. "Is it hot in here, or is it just you?"  
  
"Actually, Seifer, it's kinda chilly."  
  
Seifer stared at Squall.  
  
Squall began to sweat under the intensity of the stare.  
  
Finally, Seifer shook his head, turned, and walked away.  
  
"Um, see you later," Squall called to Seifer's retreating back.  
  
--------------------------------------------  
Step V: Confess Your Feelings |  
--------------------------------------------  
  
"," Seifer announced, standing inside the commander's office.  
  
Squall looked up from his paperwork. "What do you want, Seifer?"  
  
"We have to talk. Someplace else. Please."  
  
Squall fidgeted uncomfortably before standing up. "Okay..."  
  
"Score," Seifer murmured.  
  
==========  
  
Seifer led Squall into the clearing in front of the Love Hut. Unbeknownst to Seifer, Squall knew that this was the local cadet make-out spot, and was growing more nervous by the second.  
  
Not long after, Seifer turned seriously to Squall. "Leonhart."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I want you," he said boldly.  
  
"To do what?"  
  
Seifer sweatdropped. "I want you! In the raw, passionate way!"  
  
Squall blinked. "You want me to do what?"  
  
"ARGH!!!" Seifer lost it. "SEX, YOU MORON!! SEX!!!"  
  
"Huh?" Squall quipped, eyes widening. "B-b-but, what about Fujin?"  
  
"What about her!?"  
  
Everything finally clicked into place. "Are...are you *special*?"  
  
"Yes," Seifer replied.  
  
"That explains a lot," Squall muttered. "The pacing outside my room shirtless, the kidnapping, the stalking..."  
  
Seifer fidgeted. "Uh, yeah."  
  
They stared at each other awdwardly for a few seconds.  
  
"You know, Seifer, you could have just *told* me," Squall mumbled.  
  
Seifer twitched.  
  
"But, um, I have to get back to the office before Rinoa comes in for her hourly check-up..."  
  
"So we *aren't* gonna have sex?"  
  
Squall blushed. " I'd like to, but no. I already have Rinoa..."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"But I could always hold you up on your offer. See you, Seifer."  
  
Squall turned and left, leaving Seifer staring at the retreating back of the iceberg.  
  
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[The End]  
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A/N2: Whoo! That was tiring. But I think I've got the yaoi bug out. *sigh* Reviews/flames/whatever, please? 


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